Fear the Beard

Fear the Beard

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Ok, I finally did it.  I was all talk for a while, but I finally stepped up and went to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Look, I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew what kind of ratings it got. Yes, it flopped in the theaters, but just hear me out. I went to see this movie for a couple reasons:

1) Sorry, Abraham Lincoln killing evil doesn’t strike you as awesome?

2) RottonTomatoes isn’t always accurate with their evaluations and this movie is a perfect example. 35%!? That means that all 3 of the Jackass movies had better ratings, and not only a little bit better, 10-28% better? (Seriously, no offense Jackass, love it, but?)…Take Howard the Duck, worst movie ever, right? 18%. I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here…but there IS a point in there somewhere.

I took it upon myself to take one for the team.  With a much needed lazy Saturday and a trip to Red Robin in the Valley, we tucked in our skirts and went and saw the 16th president of our great United States of America kick some vampire ass. I sat there and witnessed B+ (at best) CGI at work and I’ll tell you what, I enjoyed myself. I think the biggest reason this movie flopped was unfortunately they only had B-list actors (A-list in our hearts though). Don’t get me wrong, everyone did a great job. Benjamin Walker was a wonderful Abe, looks like a buddy of mine from high school, but who the hell are you? I didn’t recognize a lot of the people in this movie, but again, they did great.
The story was there. Abe witnesses his mom being killed by a vampire at a young age and vows revenge for 10 or so years.  He meets up with another hater of vampires, and after a quick montage, Abe is an ax-wielding, killing machine.  The movie follows young Abe’s past of becoming a lawyer and getting into politics before he meets up with Mary Todd, marries her, starts the Civil War and has a huge impact on ending slavery.  It’s all there, just needed to add dashes of vampires everywhere.  Which they did (and Abe took care of).
The best part of this movie was incorporating little pieces of Abe’s real life and putting vampire-ness in it.  Everything that happened to Abe could be linked to his connection as a hunter.  I honestly did enjoy this movie. It was pretty cool and had a some great scenes.  It didn’t get the kind of love I think it deserved. It should have at least made it’s money back. As far as a rating, yes, it wasn’t the best movie ever, but I spent 11 bucks, and I didn’t look back.
Nic D. Movie Scale – 3.4/5

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