There Should be a Captain in There Somewhere

There Should be a Captain in There Somewhere

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Damned if I’ll be the guy who started a Pirates of the Caribbean article without playing the song that needs to be played every time someone even mentions…Pirates!

Here you go! (Suggestion: listening/reading…gives it some Oomph!)

Writers Terry Rossio and Ted Elliott sprung the idea of a movie based on the Disney ride and I feel it went something like this:

Ted:  Terry! Let’s go to Disneyland today.

Terry:  Oh, grow up Ted, we need to get some writing done today.

Ted:  Come on! It’ll be fun!

(fast forward 2 hrs…Ted’s car doors open and a cloud of smoke barrels out)

Ted:  Pirates ride?

Terry:  Pirates ride!

(yo ho, yo ho! a pirates life for me…)

Ted:  This should be a f*#%ing movie!

(slow motion exchange glance of excitement)

Disney graces us with it’s first ever PG-13 movie…That’s right!…


July 9, 2003– The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Just exciting to say that!  THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL!

Will Turner (Orlando Bloom) and Elizabeth Swan (Keira Knightley) are basically in love from the very start of this movie, but along comes Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp)…sorry CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow.  Jack saves Elizabeth from her near death fall and is immediately recognized as a pirate; all hell breaks loose and he bails.  Jack runs into Will during his retreat, and the two have a pretty epic little sword fight. (“You cheated…Pirate”)  THEN cursed pirates of the Black Pearl, I mean real characters, storm the beaches of Port City (“Ello, Poppet”)  STEAL Elizabeth, her necklace and some dignity from the local forces.

Jack and Will team up and set sail after the Pearl and Elizabeth.  MEANWHILE, Elizabeth is lying herself into a corner with Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) (“You better start believin’ in ghost stories, Ms. Turner…you’re in one.”)

Jack and Will (not Jill) get to the Isla de Muerta, but Will thinks Jack is going to F him over so he knocks him out and goes after Elizabeth.  Shit goes wrong, they end up back out at sea…Jack’s ship the Interceptor and the Pearl get in a sweet fight, but the Pearl dominates and takes aboard the crew.  Will starts talking, tells Barbossa that HE is the Turner they need!  Elizabeth and Jack are given a kick in the ass off the Pearl and woops, the pirates are back to the island.

Captain James Norrington (Jack Davenport), former fiancé of Elizabeth, FINALLY shows up with a little help…then picks up Jack and Elizabeth and heads towards the party.  Jack and Barbossa start fighting, Will handles the bloody coins, drops them in the chest, and Barbossa turns mortal so Jack fills him with lead.  Everything’s good and Captain Jack Sparrow is seen sailing off into the Horizon. (“Now, bring me that horizon”)

Ok, now…I know that was a lot to handle, but it really is easier to WATCH the movie, than to write about it.  Trust me, great movie, you won’t be disappointed!  PLUS, THAT WAS JUST THE FIRST ONE!


July 7, 2006– Dead Man’s Chest

We at armovieguys support and encourage package deals, so if you couldn’t tell early on that’s exactly what we’re doing here with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. 3 for 1.

Here is another example of a really well done second part to a trilogy…

Will and Elizabeth are about to get married when Lord Cutler Beckett (a real piece of work) shows up and starts acting like a big shot.

MEANWHILE, Jack is hanging out with Bootstrap Bill Turner, Will’s longtime dead father who apparently got scooped up with a late round draft pick by the Davy Jones team.  Davy is pissed and thinks Jack owes him big time…like 100 years big time.  Did I mention that Davy’s crew is a bunch of barnacle covered seapeople that are brainwashed to do whatever Davy says? Yeah, so…Jack says F that and bails to the nearest island to get away from the Kraken (giant sea monster) and get’s taken captive by cannibals.

Here comes Will to the rescue.  They escape with Pintel and Rigetti (pirate buddies) and get tied up with some crazy voodoo woman named Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris).  She lays down the HAPPENIN’ and tells them where to find the “Chest” and put Davy in his place.

Basically, everyone in the movie starts getting the idea of if THEY could find the chest THEY’d probably benefit from it the most, so you got Jack, Will, and Norrington after this chest in an all out dash.  Everyone has their hand on the chest at least once, making it a mystery of who ACTUALLY ends up with it. (Spoiler:  It’s Beckett…the ass)

Insert one last fight scene, the Kraken and Captain Jack Sparrow go down swinging and you have the end of Dead Man’s Chest.  To really spice things up, the crazy Voodoo women says that they can probably, sorta, kinda get Jack back and to prove her point Barbossa shows up out of the woodworks!

You guys still there?  Ok, we’re realizing that this post is getting a little ridiculous in length, but hang in there because we’re basically done.  Plus, it’s Pirates…so shut up…it’s worth it!


May 25th, 2007 – At World’s End

I think I was the most pumped for this movie to come out.  The way Dead Man’s Chest ended just left you wanting more.  I am wrong?  Nope, I’m not…it was a long year too wait, but when it came and went this is what happened!

So, Lord Cutler Beckett (ass) has been taking names and kicking ass because he now controls Davy Jones and his ship so he’s not putting up with ANYONE associated with piracy.  At the same time the all-star team is on its way to save Jack from Davy Jones’s Locker, but first has to stop off to get the map from Sao Feng (Chow Yun-fat).  Will strikes up a deal with Feng and off to the locker they go.

The crew saves Jack, from insanity really, (“Did no one come to save me, JUST because they missed me?”) and they head back to the real world.  On the way back Tia Dalma speaks up that Jones is really just pissed off about his woman Calypso standing him up on an anniversary of theirs and he’s been butt hurt about it ever since.

Upon getting back Feng is there waiting to stab Will in the back, obviously, PLUS NOW Feng is in ca-hoots with Beckett!  Feng and Barbossa strike up a deal over Elizabeth, who Feng thinks is Calypso in human form, and all of a sudden Elizabeth turns into some sort of badass.  Davy Jones gets wind of this and attacks FENGS ship.  Feng folds like cheap lawn furniture and bada bing Elizabeth is appointed successor…yep! (PS – The facial expression Feng’s crew member gives when he learns that Elizabeth is going to be captain is freaking priceless…so be looking for that.)

There is a meeting and vote among the brethren court and Elizabeth is named Pirate King! (“And SO, we shall go to war”)  After a bunch of double crossing, trading here and there, and the occasion plunder, Barbossa frees Calypso, who is secretively…PHILLIP! The pizza delivery boy from the beginning of the story!…no, it’s Tia Dalma.  Tia Dalma is Calypso.

Elizabeth gives a pretty impressive speech to pump up the crews (“Hoist the colors!”) and

AGAIN, all HELL breaks loose with one last, all out battle scene.  Pirates and Sea monsters and guys wearing little white wigs…shockras were f*%$ing exploding man!  Will and Elizabeth are married, WHILE fighting!  Moments later, Will is fatality stabbed by Jones.  Jack helps Will stab the heart of Jones, but in return Will’s heart must replace that of Jones making him the Captain of the Flying Dutchman and destined to sail the seas forever (AKA team up with the Pearl and let Beckett HAVE IT at the end of the movie!)

Expectations.  Expectations can be a bitch, and I feel like the third POTC movie’s expectations were a little high.  How can you blame anyone though?  You really can’t because the first two were so well done!  Really, the third one doesn’t really get enough love.  Yes, it wasn’t as good as the first two, but I’ll be damned to go as far to say that it wasn’t good at all.  I enjoyed myself at the midnight showing and if you look at the numbers, it looks like others did too!

SOOO there you have it…the trilogy is complete…until 2008 when J. Depp signed on for another movie, TOTALLY blindsiding the rest of the POTC cast.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the strength or knowledge of the newest Pirates movie to write a piece.  It’s not that I didn’t WANT to go see it, it’s that I just didn’t.  Look, when it comes to DVD I’ll take a glance and offer up my two cents at that time.

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